Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in JoAnn Jenkins' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 19th, 2002
12:09 pm	Prayer Request Hi everyone, I am going to keep this short. I recieved phone call from my mom last night. My godmother Mildred passed away yesterday afternoon. It was a shock to my system. The funeral is tomorrow in Kansas. I won't be able to make it because I can't afford to go. So if you could please keep Mildred's family and friends, my family and myself included in your prayers that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 28th, 2002
11:00 am	Blessings This is the time of year that family and friends gather and say thanks. I just want to list a few things that I am really thankful for. Here they are. 1. My family 2. My wonderful bf Will..:) 3. My awesome friends 4. The chance to come out East and experience new things. 5. To Will and his family for giving me a place to stay. 6. My health. I really haven't had any major problems. 7. School. Being able to furthur my education. 8. And last but certainly not least, the good Lord above for giving me life and for everything He has done for me. For blessing me with good health, a wonderful family and great friends. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :) (Comment on this)
Friday, October 18th, 2002
9:42 pm	Vacation Well my week long vacation here at home, Missouri that is, comes to and end tomorrow. I must say that coming home when I did was the best thing to have done. I have had a wonderful week, and I have been able to relax and think about things. Even talk things over with my folks and for once I feel like things are going to work out ok when I get back to Jersey. However, though this trip has made me face one issue that still hurts like hell. And that is dealing with all the hurt people have caused me. I know I have to start dealing with it so I can heal and move on. I didn't realize how much hurt my brother caused me, my best friend, and a couple of friends (JW and Courtney) to be exact, have caused. When my friend John was bringing me home tonight I actually talked about the hurt for the first time. How it just ripped me apart inside and how I feel people have deserted me. The only reason why I come back to Sedalia is because my family is here and just a few friends. It took me a long time just to warm up to people there in Jersey, even though I already knew them, but I just felt that my trust has been broken and I was hesitant to trust anyone(even those closest) to me because I am afraid of being hurt again. Now I know some of my close friends here like John, Teresa, and Gloria here wouldn't do anything to jepordize our friendship. Just like Dani, Kriste, Mary, and Will wouldn't do anything to jepordize that too. It is just that I am tired of hurting and I am tired of feel being jumped by people just because I left to move to Jersey. My best friend jumped my case when she found out I was in Missouri. I didn't even bother telling her I was coming home. Why? Because before I left she told me that she didn't give a flying rats ass whether I moved or not. So, I am like why should she care that I am coming home? I know I need to start dealing with this. I know my close friends are not out to hurt me. I guess sometimes I just feel alone at times. I feel deserted. I talk to John about it tonight and he knows how I feel. Which is nice to know. And I am sure everyone else does too. I was thinking of some ways that I can start trusting again. I mean I trust my good friends don't get me wrong. It is just that I need to get used to it. Know what I mean? So, I decided to let John and Teresa use my computer while I am gone. That way they can use it for intnet usage and it won't be sitting in my mom's house taking up space. John and Teresa don't have a computer at home and they have been wanting one so I let them use mine. Now, keep in mind I just don't let anyone borrow my computer just like that. I trust them enough and I know it is in good hands. I am going to eventually get a new one sometime down the road and just sell mine to them. But at least now they have the internet and we can keep in contact my email which is nice. I get very few personal letters, so it will be nice to hear from someone else too. Well, I do need to get going and get some rest. Have to get up early in the morning and head to the airport and on back to Jersey. Take care and see everyone when I get back! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
2:07 pm	This really sucks If I was a drinker I would go out and get wasted. Just something to kill the pain and frustration of looking for work and being away from home. I really hope something good happens real soon because dealing with these feelings is becoming too overwhelming. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 19th, 2002
10:57 pm	Just a quick thought I know I don't write in here all that often, but when I have something important to say I sometimes put what I want to say in here. I have been thinking about friends for some reason. I love and value my friends a lot. I mean where would we be without them? We all sometimes run across people we don't really like, I have had that happen to me. When a person doesn't like someone else that is fine. There is no need to be talking behind that person's back or bashing them continuously. It's stupid and childish. I have seen people do that to others and it isn't cool. In fact when people bash others not only do they hurt that person they are bashing, but their family and friends too. And most importantly themselves. I have seen people lose friends quickly because of it. And to mention the respect of their peers. Life is too short to be bashing others for whatever the reason may be. If you don't like a certain someone that is your choice. But don't continue to bash others. It just isn't cool. So the bottom line is: If you can't say anything nice, then don't say it at all. Bashing people is just stupid, childish, and most of all grow up!!! (Comment on this)
Monday, September 2nd, 2002
1:03 pm	It has been a month! Well I have officially been here a month. Things have been going ok. Will be glad when a job pops up. Have enjoyed spending time with Will and all my friends. It feels good to be out of Missouri and away from all that crud I had to put up with. Granted I miss my family and friends and that is normal, but I am glad to be out of there. Hopefully people can come for a visit. Would be good to see them and show them around. Not much happening today. Just chillin and doing some school work. Not a whole lot to report so I will sign off for now. Later folks! (Comment on this)
Monday, August 19th, 2002
2:35 pm	It has been a few weeks A few weeks have passed since I arrived. Things are going alright. Still plugging away looking for a job. Hopefully the job fair over in Staten Island and the job interview over in the city pan out somehow. I also recived some information in the mail today from a temp agency over in Secaucus and Paramus. I need to find out if I can take the Subway to either place so I can head over to the agency for an interview once I call and make an appoitment. Something will eventually come around. I am thinking that maybe having a few temp jobs might be a good thing since I am new to the area and it would help me gain some experience. I will be glad though when I do start working. I will feel more useful then. Anyhoo, Will bought a new AC for his room. I am glad he got one even though I knew he wasn't to thrilled with getting another one. Once he turned it on we quickly found out the humidity in the room was like 91. I was like yikes! So I am glad it has cooled down a great deal. I will be real glad when cooler weather moves in for good. Although it wasn't to bad outside today. I feel kinda blah today. Not sure why. I think some of it that I am missing home. My family and friends. There is a part of me that just wants to go back home, but then there is a part of me that wants to stay here. I think the majority of it is that I am scared. Scared of the unknown. Not knowing what is going to happen. I am also in new surroundings. It is like gosh I have grown up in the Midwest all my life. I am used to everything and everyone. I felt comfortable. And now that I am in someplace new it is scary. I know I have been trying real hard with a lot of things since I have gotten here. Why have I been trying too hard? I am not real sure. Maybe because when I was back home people were always moaning and groaning because this or that wasn't done or whatever the situation may be. I grew so tired of that. I was thinking like if I just did things, like help around the house or whatever people would gripe about me or anything else of that nature. I dealt with so much crud at home and at work that I just can't take anymore of it off of people. I don't think people realize how much crud I had to take off of people. Mainly off my brother. Unless someone has gone through what I have been through it is easy for them to understand. But it wasn't easy living with someone who has a mental illness. My brother and I were close when we were growing up. We had a pretty good childhood. But when we moved to Sedalia he started changing. He would hybernate in his room a lot of the time. Wouldn't do much with the family. He would go out with his friends though. Then when he went off to college in 1994 he seemed to get worse. I remeber mom telling me that he came home from school one night ready to commit suicide. That he kept hearing voices. Mom then took him to the hospital and had him admitted to the stress unit. It was there they discovered that he had a chemical imbalance. He was given medication. It was either Zoloft or Prozac. I can't remeber which one it was. He took his meds for awhile, he has some side effects and quit taking his medication. He never went back to the doctor to tell him that he was having these side effects. Allen thought he would be fine without them. When he took his medication it helped control his mood swings. I could tell the difference. So, years passed. He just seemed to withdraw from the family a lot. Keep to himself. But it wasn't up until he moved in with me that he has a relapse. When he moved in with me it was agreed that we were going to split expenses. Things were going fine up until he quit his job at Four Seasons. That is when things started to go bad. He didn't make much of an effort in finding work, he stayed in his room most of the time, was withdrawn from the family. He was getting worse. He was paranoid, scared that people were out to get him, he felt that Sedalia was democratic. He would bum money off people for cigerettes, when I went grocery shopping he would eat half the food before I would get any of it, I was stuck with all of the bills. Basicially I was supporting him and I hated doing that. I thought about getting a second job, that didn't bother me, but when I thought about it I would still be supporting him. Still putting out more money. I got so stressed out. So unhappy. So angry, and sometimes for no reason at all. I hated feeling like that. But living with Allen was like watching someone dying. Even though he wasn't dying from a illness or anything it still hurt. It hurt like hell. I spent the last year watching him deriorate. Living with him, witnessing all that just tore me up inside. And before Allen moved in my friend Bev lived with me. Had the same agreement with her as with my brother. Split the expenses. But she screwed me over too. I let her move in because she wanted to seperate from her husband. I had no problems with that. But then she met this guy Ray who lived right across the street from us. She started shacking up with him. And all she seemed to care about was getting sex. He was still married. She was playing both guys. Ray and her husband. She wanted her cake and eat it too. And while she was with Ray, they both bed hopped. Meaning that they would take turns screwing each other in one another's bed. One night they would sleep at his place, one night they would come over to my place and do it. And I really didn't appreciate it at all. But Bev didn't care about anyone but herself. She was so concerned about getting pregnant that she didn't think once about possibly contracting and STD. But guess what happened? She was infected with Genital Herpes. I felt bad for her at the time, but at the same time I didn't. She should have known better. But she didn't. She lucked out though. Genital Herpes can be controlled through medication. It could have been a lot worse so I hope she learned her lesson after that. I opened my home and my heart to her and I was treated like crap. After dealing with her and my brother it just feels like my heart was torn to shreds. A part of me died when I went through all of this and no matter what I try to do to recusicate it. That is why I needed to move. I needed to get away. And I pray everyday and everynight that things will be ok here. That people will learn to accept me for who I am, that I will find that good job I want, that my relationship Will will contiune to grow, that we contiune to get close and our relationship gets stronger. I know living here with him has been stressful for him. I know he has things going on in his life that stress him out and I just try to do things for him that will help make his life a little easier. I know what it is like dealing with stress. It is not fun. I just do what I can for him. Whether it is just being here to listen to him, give him a hug or some words of encouragement. I only pray that me being here is at least doing him some kind of good. For those who will read this I hope this gives you a little more insight as to how I am feeling about things. I am going to stop trying so hard to impress people and whatnot. I know things will work out for the best. I just need to do what I need to do and not worry about. Everything will be fine. I know moving was the first step in the healing process and in feeling better. It will take some time to heal, it will take some time to adjust to being way from home and from being away from my family and friends, I will find a job, I will make new friends, and once I learn the area I will be able to get around here with no problems at all. Well I need to close for now and get some cleaning done. Take care and talk with you all later. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
11:01 pm	I am finally here... I know it has been awhile since I last posted. But I thought it was time again to do so. First off, I have arrived in New Jersey last Saturaday. Been here a week and things are going ok so far. I have been staying with Will and I appreciate him and his family letting me stay with them for awhile. It has been real nice spending time with Will and the rest of my other friends. I have been looking for work. I have developed some good leads and have sent the resumes out so I am hoping something good will come about soon. Until the, I plan on contiune looking and just take what I can get until something better comes along. I do miss my family and friends back home. It is going to take me awhile in the sense of not getting to see them just about everyday like I have been for the past 29 years. But even though I miss seeing them I know leaving Missouri was the best thing I could do. I needed to get out and away from all that crap I have had to deal with. I am real excited to be here in Jersey it is just taking me some time to get used to everything and everyone. I have to admit I feel a bit overwhelmed with things here. I mean I knew what to expect when I got here, but I still feel a bit overwhelmed. Here a small town Midwestern girl moves to one of the biggest cities in the world. It is exciting, but yet a little scary at the same time. I know things will be fine and work out ok. I just know I am trying too hard to make things work job wise and I even feel relationship wise with people. Why I don't know. I just know and Will is right I need to stop stressing and worrying about these things. Everything will be ok and I just need to be myself and quit trying so hard and just doing the best that I can with things. If anything I just want to feel successful again. After dealing with my brother it just took a lot out of me. If aything I want people just to accept me for who I am, just appreicate me and the things I do for them and even for other people. I know ever since I got here I have been a lot happier. Which has been a great feeling because for once I am away from all that garbage at home and from all the people who have hurt me and screwed me over more than once. Anyway, for anyone here who wants to hang out and get to know me more you know where you can find me. But for now I need to head to bed. I am starting to get tired. I think for once I will be able to sleep good for the first time in a couple of days. Later folks! (Comment on this)
Monday, July 15th, 2002
11:25 pm	What the heck! I normally don't fill surveys out but I thought I would give it a shot for the heck of it. Looks like fun and this is a good way for people to get to know me a little bit better. So here goes! Full Name: JoAnn Michelle Jenkins Age: 29 Height: 5'8 Eye color: Blue green Birthday: November 28, 1972 Birthplace: Leavenworth,Kansas Place you live now: Sedalia, MO Allergies: None Car you drive: 1992 Ford Tempo Goals/Ambitions: To get my BS in Information Technology and to get a good job. Smoker/Nonsmoker: non-smoker Religion: Christianity Hobbies: Movies, music, sports, computers, cooking, reading, refurnishing old furniture. Good luck charm: Really don't have one. FAVORITES Word: Doh! Book: I like John Grisham novels Salad Dressing: Ranch Drink: Diet Pepsi, water, juice Color: Blue Shampoo: Anything that controls dandruff Cartoon/Comic: The Flintstones and many others Animated Film: Lady and the Tramp, Toy Story, and many others Sayings: "Have you bees smoking crack?" Ok, so I picked up on that one from my friend Gloria..*laughs* Fruit: strawberries, bananas, peaches, grapes, oranges Food: pizza, pasta, chinese noodles. How do you like your steak cooked: Well done Holiday: Christmas and Thanksgiving. I love those holidays. Nothing like spending them with family and friends. Ice Cream: Any kind. Especially cheesecake..:) Music band: I really like Creed and Matchbox 20 Solo artist: I have quite a few. But Celine Dion ranks at the top. TV Show (non animated): I don't watch much tv but I do enjoy watching Who's Line Is It Anyway? HAVE YOU EVER..... Gone skinny dipping: No Read the last page of a book to find out what happens: A few times Had a medical emergency: No really. Unless you want to count the time I was drilled in the forearm with a softball and went to ER to have it check out. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU... Took a shower: Last night Watched Bambi: I own it. Been awhile since I watched it. Got a real letter (not email): A couple of weeks ago. ODDS & ENDS... What song is in your head right now: "My Sacrifice" by Creed. Crush: *blushes* No comment. Bad habits: Biting my nails Special Talents/Skills: Being a good friend. Making people laugh. What's the saddest song you can think of right now: Can't think of anything right at the moment. The most romantic song you can think of right now: "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion What time do you go to bed: Around midnight What is your most prized possession: I have a lot. But I would have to say my family and friends. How many people are on your buddy list/email address book: A good amount. WHICH IS BETTER? One pillow/Two: Two Slow/Fast Dance Song: Both Bitter/Sweet: Seet Day/Night: Nght Diamonds/Pearls: Diamonds Disney/Warner Brothers: Warner Brothers Flowers/Candy/Poem: Poems and Flowers. Heaven/Hell: Heaven. Letterman OR Leno: Letterman Pools/Hot Tubs: Hot Tubs. Tall/Short: Either or. I depends. TV/Radio: Radio FINISH THESE OFF... I'm Always: Trying to laugh at something. I hate: Egos I love: My family and friends. My guniea pig Harely and my man. I regret: Not finishing college sooner. I will never forget: The time when my friend fell through the floor vent at church. That was so hilarious! DO YOU BELIEVE IN... Love at first sight: It could happen. God: Yes Aliens: Possibly Heaven: Yes Hell: Yes Tarot: Too complicated. Yourself: Yes FRIENDSHIP... Ever Been in love: Yes Ever loved someone so bad it made you cry: Yes Do you want children and if so how many?: At last 3 First thing you notice about opposite sex?: Eyes Last time you kissed someone of the opp. sex: April. :S Who knows the most about you: There are a lot of people. Will knows a great deal about me. And so does Carolyn. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT... Abortion: I don't like it. Alternative Music: Some of it is ok. Country Music: Some of it is ok. 80's music: Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston. I love 80's stuff. Where do you go for advice: Will, my parents, Britt, Gloria Who has it easier, Guys or Girls: Neither Do you gossip?: I try not too. Do you get along with your parents: Yes How do you eat an Oreo?: OPen it then lick it, then eat it..:) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
8:46 pm	Some humor I know it has been awhile since I posted but I am sure you all will enjoy this. I am sure everyone is familiar with the Redneck jokes. Well keep in mind and I worn out and tired and I wasn't paying any attention when this happened..*laughs* So, without furthur ado here is J's own version of a couple of Redneck jokes(or somewhere along those lines)...:) You know you are tired when... You know you are tired when you are filling out your paid time off slip for vacation and you write down 7 and half hours instead of 40. You know when you are tired when you are cooking dinner and you turn the microwave on without anything in it. I know, I know...I need to get some rest..*laughs* I hope you all have gotten a kick out of this. I know I sure did! (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 8th, 2002
7:45 pm	Brothers I know it has been awhile since I updated this but I need to vent so here I go. The past few days have been good days. Been feeling good and I think things are slowly starting to turn around for me which has been making me feel good. Today was a good day and got some things done in prepration for the ballgame in KC tomorrow afternoon. I had given Allen(my bro) some money and a list of things that I needed from the store. So he comes back with stuff that wasn't on the list. Stuff we can do without. Well of course that didn't sit to well with me. I don't have much money to begin with. I know I should have done the shopping myself but I was just to darn tired to go because I had been cleaning house all day. And when he came back with all this stuff I knew I should have done the shopping myself. I love my brother and all. And I am glad I could help him out when he needed it. But things have gone to far. People keep telling me to kick him out. Well it is a lot easier said than done. I am having a hard time doing it. Simply because he is family. I took my mom's advice and just take care of myself. I am not his keeper. But also to let things go for a bit to see if things workout for themselves. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. And right now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to move but cannot afford to right now. Especially when it comes to putting a deposit on another place. I know mom told me one day that Allen was blaming everything on me. I am like what?! I am the one who is working full time, going to school, and now looking for a part time job. What else does he want! Granted yes I am tired of my job. I would like something along the lines of computers or if it isn't computers, find a job that I will enjoy doing. I am ready to move on with my life. And right now it is just hard to with having to deal with all this. I know and my mom knows I have done the best I have to deal with him. And I know I have done more than I should have for him. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
2:45 pm	Random Thoughts Well another day at work has passed. I am getting so burnt out. I am ready for a career change. I want so much to have some sort of job using my computer skills. However, it has hard to find one because employers want someone who has expereice(which I have vert little, but some) and someone with a BS degree(which I am currently working on). So now I have decided it is time for me to start putting my resume back out there on the net and hopefully someone will take notice of it. Will(the wonderful boyfriend that he is) wants me to move out East. I told him I will but before I do that I want to find a good paying job before I do that. Why? Because I am ready to move on with my life and I want a good job that pays well and has some stability. I am tired of having to settle for less like I am now. And and I am sure I can find some kind of work out there. I want to be able to use the skills I have gained when I am in school. However, I do realize I may not find that computer job and I may have to try a different vein too. Like Data Entry or Customer Service. And I have no problem with that. Just as long as I am happy with whatever job I have and can afford to live on my own and ect., I will be just fine. I just know I am at that age where I want that stability. And moving out East has its positives. I will be with Will and I will be happy about that. I miss him like crazy as it is so it would be great to be with him on a daily basis. And it would also give me a chance to hang out with my other friends there too and get to know them better. Granted it is a little scary moving close to NYC and the area but then again it would be a little scary no matter where I would move to. At least this way I already know people so I won't be heading into unknown territory. I have been getting tickled at some people here because they have asked me if I am going to marry Will someday. I told them if it should happen in the future that would be great. But first thing is first. We are not ready for that kind of commitment just yet. But it is fun to think about..:) Have another softball game tomorrow night. Hopefully we can get through the game without being ridiculed by the other team. Granted we are a first year team and out first year playing together so yes we will encounter our rough times. However, it just seems like my heart just isn't in it like it used to be. I think a lot of it has to do with the crud going on here at home with my brother. The entire situation has hurt me and awful lot and stressed me out too. Also I am getting tired of work and not being appreicated sometimes. I feel I do more than I should at times. And I am missing Will too. And also being betrayed by some people who you thought were your friends don't help matters any either. And on top of that some of the members on the softball team have not made things any easier for the team. A lot of people have developed attitudes and have not been showing up for practice. We had a rule that if you don't show up for practice you don't play in a game. Unless you have a valid excuse why you can't be there. And I do understand that this is the time of year that people go on vacation. Or if they have to work that is understandable too. Of course you have to realzie we have 26 people on the team and that is way to many people period. If they don't get to play in a game then they start throwing a fit and getting mouthy and it effects the whole team. Well it got to the point to where cuts had to be made for the benefit of the team. When people were cut the attitudes still flared and it still bothers me. I know I shouldn't take it personally but in a way I do. I put up with enough crud at home I don't expect to deal with it at the softball team. Plus I put in a lot of hard work getting this team started. And if someone would have told me that things would have been like this I would have never said anything to anyone about playing. But since changes have been made things seem to be a little more fun for everyone. But I still have the feeling of not wanting to play. I will gut it out until the end of the season. If I play tomorrow night that is cool if not that is ok too. I know last practice I actually felt relaxed and had fun. Hopefully that feeling will come back. But I am also realizing that right now I have other priorities that take precedence over softball too. But I know getting out and playing is good for me because it keeps me from staying at home and it gives me the exercise I need. Anyway, just thought I would let that all out. I am gonna go relax for a bit until it is time to head back to the church for bell choir practice. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 30th, 2002
5:02 pm	Talking Ok..one thing that really makes me mad is when people continue to hound me about my situation here at home. If people want to know how things are going that is fine. But please don't hound me or tell me things I already know. I know my friends love and care for me and want to help and I greatly appreciate it. My mom and I have been talking about how to handle my brother. We are having to handle things a little differently now after I did some research the other day. I was reading in my mom's Mayo Clinic Health book the other day about Mental Disorders. And I was reading specifically about Manic Depressive(often called bi polar) disorder. Well keep in mind that Allen was diagnosed years ago with a chemical imbalance which was being controlled by medication but he stoppted taking it. And it has just seemed like he has gotten worse over the years. Anyway, I was reading the signs of Manic Depressive and kept Allen in mind and to me he has some of the symptoms. Now I could be wrong and of course I don't know if he is bi polar. But I wish he would admit he needs help. I have also been reading up on the signs of suicide and he at least possess two of the signs. Depression and withdrawn. So after reading all of this and talking with my mom, I told her I think this is why I had a hard time trying to kick him out. Because what's not to say he won't go off the deep end if I did kick him out? Mom and I think he would never do it. But then again you never know. Mom told me yesterday that he had 2 job interviews yesterday and I sure hope something comes through soon. Will help relieve a lot of stress that is for sure. I am also very anxious to get out of here. Sedalia mainly. Don't get me wrong I love my family and friends dearly but I am ready to move on and the things I want to do in life are not here in Sedalia. My boyfriend Will is wanting me to move out East. And if I can find a good job then yes I will go. So I am starting to look on the internet and see what I can find. Moving out East I think is exciting but scary at the same time. So we shall see what happenes. Well I need to jet and get dinner started. Haven't eaten much today and am hungry. So take care people. Over and out. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 26th, 2002
11:44 am	Venting Ok..before I start I just want to say one thing. Please keep in mind that what I am writing about are just how I feeling now. I am just venting. I don't want anyone to get mad at me or get offended. It seems like that past few months I have not been in very good moods lately. Granted a lot of it has to due with my brother with the fact he has been living with me for the past year. He also quit his job and had not made any attempt to go find one. So in return I have been dumped with all the bills which has provded a huge amount of stress for me. I know at times I have bit everyone's head off. Which I didn't mean to. I just want people to understand that anything I have said that upset them was just out of frustration. I was not thinking clearly. And I didn't mean any of it. So I apologize to anyone I hurt or upset. And I kept beating myself up and just felt real guilty for a few days because of it. And in some ways I think I am. Just not as bad. Will, I'm sorry you had to be the path of my tirade a few nights ago. I know you have been trying to help and everything you have done for me was not a waste. I greatly appreciate all that you have done for me and I hope you belive that. I know you will do your best to come and visit me. When you have some spare time and some money stashed away you know you are more then welcome to come and visit. Just let me know ahead of time so I can put in for some time off at work. I know I said some things that hurt you and I hope you realize that I didn't mean any of it. I was just frustrated and angry and I hope you understand that. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize and I want you to know that I mean all this from the bottom of my heart. To everyone else I upset or hurt I'm sorry. Again I was just angry and frustrated and I hope everyone understands that. The stressed out, frusterated and angry person some of you saw over the past few months wasn't me. And I hope and I pray that someday someone out there, doesn't matter who it is, just loves me and appreicates me for the person I am inside. It has taked me a long time to finally realize that I am not a bad person and I do make mistakes. I am not perfect. But it also took me a long time to realize I am a good person and even though I have made mistakes in my life, I have learned from them and things have always turned out to be ok if not even better. I know I have a lot to be proud of. But sometimes it is nice to hear from people that you are not a screw up and that I have accomplished a lot of things in my life and that I have make a lot of people proud. And that no matter what mistakes I make in life that people will still see the good hearted loving person I am inside. And I am really glad Will and I have worked things out. And that my other friends are talking to me again. But there is still a part of me that still feels lonely and feels like I have to prove something to everyone. To prove to them that I am a good person, that I do make mistakes, that I am not out to hurt anyone, and that I am not a screw up. But then there is another part of me tha is saying I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. That everyone should understand that anything I said and my actions were just out of frustration and anger and no harm was meant to be done. I know keep a lot of things to myself. And I know I shouldn't do that because it will only eat away at me. But is just seems like nowadays that no matter what comes out of my mouth someone will take it the wrong way and then get mad at me and then I feel guilty as heck. I know I need to just keep my mouth shut and find other ways to vent my frustration and so forth. At least that way I won't get anyone mad at me. And whether that is the right thing to do or not I don't know. I know some of my friends lately have thrown the past back at me. Granted while it didn't make me feel any better I can see why they did it because they are just trying to help. I know the first I need to do is get away from my brother. And that means moving in with some friends of mine. And when I really think about it, it is probably for the best. Then once some bills are paid off and money is saved up then it will be time for me to move and be on my own again. But I think this time it will be out of Sedalia which I really want. Where I am going to go I am not for sure. I have been thinking about going out East. But a lot of that will hinge on if I can find a decent job(then again to move anywhere I need a decent job) and how much Will and some of my other friends out there want and need me out there. I just know right now I want and need to get out of Sedalia and make a fresh start somewhere. Heck even one of my friends could tell I wanted out and need a fresh start somewhere else. I know that will happen soon. When I don't know. But I know it will. Once again, if I have hurt anyone or offended anyone I apologize. A friend of mine told me I need to start talking about my feelings and not keeping them all bottled up inside. So, I thought this would be a good place to start. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 25th, 2002
8:57 pm	Spiderman! Well I finally saw Spiderman today and loved it! My parents seemed to enjoy it to. I wouldn't mind seeing it again sometime. And I highly recommend it to others. Not much else going on. Just spent today relaxing which I needed. I will do the same tomorrow. I have softball practice tomorrow afternoon and don't feel really like going. But I will probably go for awhile anyway. Hopefully things will have changed since some people were cut from the team at the last practice. Hopefully everyone will be able to relax and have fun. And if Mike is there(he is the one who has been really mouthy) and shoots off his mouth I will ram the bat right up his rear because I am tired of him shooting off his mouth. He has already upset a lot of people and he knows if he pops off at the mouth one more time he is out of there. So, I will go to practice for awhile tomorrow night and then come home. I haven't had much of an appitite lately and that probably explains why I have been feeling so run down lately. So now I am just getting some much needed rest which I need and I will contiune to do so. Anyway, I belive that is about it. Not an exciting entry today. Take care all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 20th, 2002
2:58 pm	Frustrated I am not sure if things can get any worse aroud here. I got upset last night which led to a crabby day today. We have a softball game tonight and I get to be the manager. This should be an intresting night. People who are not showing up for practice are showing up for the games expecting to play. Well you don't practice you don't play. As simple as that. We have 26 people on the roster and it wouldn't be fair to everyone else if I played the no shows at practice. On top of that it seems a few of the players are copping attitudes or being mouthy. Espcially this guy named Mike. He has shot off his mouth one to many times. Derogertory remarks that is. I'm not exactly in the greatest mood either today. And everyone off the team wants Mike off. Especially after he blames Kelli for our loss last week. That really had everyone fuming. So as I told Gloria today if he pops off at the mouth just once I am throwing him off the team. Mike is draining all the fun out of playing softball for everyone. I am not sure how it will all go tonight so it will be intresting. I am also starting to get upset with the phone company. They told me the phone would be on today and it is not on yet. I am going crazy without it. It had better be on tomorrow or I will be out for blood. I am in my last week of my first online class. It sure has gone by fast and I hope I pass it ok. I am looking forward to having a week off before I start my other class the following week. I realized something last night. I was thinking about all the events that have occured to me over the past few months. Things have been real stressful with work, home and so forth. But the one thing I have never done was actually talked about how I felt. I would talk to people about what it going on. But I never really talked about how I really feel deep down inside about all the of issues I have had to deal with. I think it is about time that I break down and confide in someone. I just know whoever I reveal things too will have to be trusted and just listen to me without telling me what to do or how I should feel. I know it is difficult right now for me to open up like that fully to someone. But I am thinking it is about time I did (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 15th, 2002
2:58 pm	Another day Ok..so it has been awhile since I updated this thing. Well a few things have been happening. First off was a really bad day. Found out that my phone was disconnected and I was highly upset. I paid the phone bill and they still shut it off. So, I haven't been able to get online from my apartment because of that whole fiasco. If people need to get a hold of me they can just email me. However, on the bright side of things I will have my phone turned back on Friday. Thank goodness! I will have a different phone number though. So if anyone wants it they can ask me for it. Then on top of all that the bank screwed me over. I was not happy about that either. I was so angry I was about ready to pack everything up and just leave town. I did however go over to visit some friends because I just didn't feel like being in the same house as my brother. So basically what I am saying is that I have had it with people here. I am sick and tired of it. Enough said. My softball team has their first game on Monday night. We were all excited and ready to play. However, somehow we all just seemed to fall apart as the seams. The team we played was really good. They have played together for years. So my first though was what the heck are they doing in B League? You would think they would be in A League because it is more competitive. So we played the game. We lost 19-4. After 3 innings they called it. But this is where all the crap begins. It really didn't bother me that we lost. It was out first game as a team and for me it was my first in many years. We were not to happy with the score but we all were good sports about it. Only come to find out today a lot of the team were steaming mad. Why? Well I was told today that the team we were playing against were laughing at us and making rude comments. Now that uspet everyone. And can you blame us? I mean what kind of sportsmanship is that? Laughing at the other team? So, Gloria told me today she was going to call Nathan(the coach of the other team) and give him a peice of her mind. Whether Nathan does anything about it or not remains to be seen. But that kind of behavior his team displayed was unacceptable. There was no call for it. I did notice that on the schedule we play them again at the end of the season. So needless to say we will pull out our can of whoop ass if you know what I mean..*laughs* We have our next game next Monday night and I am sure we will do a lot better than before. I have playes sports since I was a kid. And I am always strongly emphase teamwork. No matter what sport you are playing teamwork is always important. In order to win a game everyone needs to work as a team. Even when playing a game such as DDR for example. I know the Jersey has a team and I know Will has told me numerous of times that they don't work as a team. I am like what is the use of having one if no one ever encourages teamwork? And when I say teamwork it not only means playing as a team but to also encourage one another. There is no need for put downs or egos. Because there is no place on a team for that kind of behavior period. Another things I also emphasize is being a good sport whether you win or lose. It is just in important to be a good loser and much as it is a winner. And always remeber this. From softball, to DDR to Monopoly always remeber that games are always meant to be played for fun (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
4:29 pm	Tired Well another day has passed. I am still worn out from Sunday's episode at work. I am just flat out worn out period. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I am so tired of Sedalia, I am tired of work, I will even admit I am tired of my family and friends although I do love them. And I am so sick and tired of people telling me things will be ok. I am tired of spending nights crying over things. I am tired of the frustration. I am tired of having to do without a lot of things. I am tired of getting crappy paychecks at work. Working hard and getting underpaid. I struggle so damn much only not to get anywhere. I have people coming from all different directions telling me what I should do with my life and what I shouldn't do. And I am tired of people telling me that I should do what is right for me. And to be honest I am not even sure what the right thing is. I mean I swear sometimes I feel so screwed in the head because people keep telling me this or that or they can't seem to make up their mind. I am just sick and tired of it all. I sometimes feel like I am trapped inside a hole of some sort and I just can't seem to get out of it. No matter how hard I try. I always managed to get hurt by someone. I hate the fact that I have a short fuse and am impatient. I am not that kind of person. But with all the mumbo jumbo crap going on here I can't seem to help it. It is like I just want to be by myself and left alone. That way I don't have to deal with any of the crap people throw at me. And if anything I would just love to runaway. Runaway so people will leave me the hell alone and quit telling me how to run my life. It seems like I can trust very few people anymore. I know I have friends here but for some reason they just don't seem to help. I just feel like an outcast and just alone. And I hate that feeling. I absolutley hate it. It is like there is a part of me that has died. And no matter what I try to do to resucitate it, it won't come back to life. I just feel like a part of me has been destroyed. The part that keeps me from letting people in, trusting people and opening my heart up. People keep telling me that they know how I feel. Well sometimes I don't think people know how I feel. All the hurt, pain and stress that I have had to endure over the past several months. I don't think anyone can understand that unless they have gone through it. If anything anymore I just miss having someone to talk to. Just to talk to about anything. I know I can do that with Will. We do that all the time. But I miss having that conversation with others. Just having someone to listen to me. Whether it be about intrests, movies or just my goals in life. I am so tired of being ignored or left out by people at times. It just seems like if anything anymore no one seems to be intrested in what I do or whatnot. I am just tired of being alone. I want to be happy again. I want to feel alive like I once was before all this happened. I know my body has taken a real beating. I think only very few people have noticed it and have said something to me about it. I get so stressed out about things and so angry that I don't even bother to eat. Or if I do eat it is very little. I have been told I have lost some weight. And I personally think that the beating my body has taken is starting to catch up to me. It just feels like my body is wanting to give out and it is very easy for me to give into it. But somehow I don't. Somehow I keep going. Why I don't know. But now I am having to force myself to slow down and take better care of myself. Because I know if I don't I will wind up in the hospital which I don't want. And even though I have taken the past couple of days easy doesn't mean I have been eating. I have been. Just not like I should. I know I feel and look terrible. I know my self esteem is low. And now I am at the point where I am not sure what to do anymore about anything. I wish I has some sort of clue as to what to do. I know people try to help out. I don't know if they do it because the just feel bad for me or if they are doing it out of charity. Either way I am not sure what to think anymore. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
12:12 pm	Not much happening I know I haven't posted in a few days. Have been to tired and worn out to really write anything. After Sunday's episode I have been taking it easy and not over doing it. I know I need to slow down and start taking better care of myself. Because if I don't I will wind up in the hospital and I don't want that to happen. I think a few people would be very unhappy if I did. I know things are gonna have to start changing real quick. So I have started looking for another place to live. To be honest I would rather just get the heck out of Sedalia personally and just go somewhere and just start over new. Have a fresh start. I wouldn't mind going out East. But I will admit I am scared to do it. Why I am not exactly sure. I know I have Will and the others out there. I know I would be alright. I just know I am ready to move on. I am ready to get on with my life. I just know there isn't much for me here in Sedalia. I am ready to settle down. Not so much getting married(I am not ready for that yet) but in the sense of having a good job somewhere and having a nice place to live. And just having the security of it. Knowing that I have a good job, a nice place to live and that my bills are being paid on time. Knowing that I am making decent money to be able to go out and do things. Whether it is to a movie or just going out and buying new clothes. And it is frustrating looking for a computer job nowadays because it seems like to me people either want someone with at BS degree(which I am working on) or someone with more experience in the field(which I don't have a lot of). And right now I am to the point that I am willing to take just about anything just to gain expereice. So I am hoping something will pop sometime soon. Sure would be a good moral booster for me. Well I think I am gonna end this now. Have things to do. If anything new and exciting happens I will post it. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
2:53 pm	Another day another dollar Well today was a good day at work. Was good to get back and see everyone. However, everyone down in TBI(Trumatic Brain Injury unit I usually work on) thought I wasn't gonna come back. I guess I surpirsed them..:) A couple of people told me they missed and and we glad to see me back. It was a nice feeling knowing that people did miss me and enjoy working with me. I know Gloria did that is for sure. I talked with her yesterday and she was filling me in on all the information pertaining to the softball team. I didn't realize how much she depends on me. Then again when I am the Assitant Manager you kind of expect these things I guess. But that is ok. Feels good to know that I am needed and wanted. Have softball practice tonight. It has been a beautiful day out today and I am hoping the rain will hold off until practice is over. I hope more people show up for practice tonight. The season starts in 2 weeks and it would help if people would show up. I can understand if they have to work. Most of the team consisits of nurses and they all work on opposite rotations so that is understandable. But we have a had a few people not show up period without reason. And frankly I am sick of it. We have way to many people on the team as it is and I personally think some people have shoved their way on to it. So it will be intresting to see how it turns out tonight. Got some good news from Bill today. Milissa(his daughter) called last night and she was granted probation and will be coming home in about 3-6 months which is great! I haven't seen her for a couple of years so I am anxious to see her again. She is a great Mexican cook and I look forward to her cooking when she returns. I grew up with brothers and never had a sister. So it will be fun to have her around and do things with her. Anyhoo, that is about it so far. If there is anything else to report I will probably put it in here. Oh I forgot one thing. Allen has his interview today out at Tyson's. I am really praying that he gets a job out there. Because I can't be paying all the bills anymore. I can't afford it. (Comment on this)